What kind of dad did you have growing up?
I hope he was the engaging kind. The kind that pretended you were an airplane and made you feel like you could fly higher than the world. The kind that coached your little league team and asked you to come throw a ball with him in the backyard. The kind of dad who was able to recognize when something was bothering you and took the initiative to create space for you while he asked you about it. The dad who made sure you always knew you were a priority to him.
I hope he was the dependable kind. The kind who kept all of your secrets and all of his promises. The kind who didn’t miss a sports game, play, recital, or banquet. The kind who helped your mom make birthdays and holidays special for you. The kind who loved you no matter how many lies you told him or rules of his you broke. No matter how many mistakes you made you could always count on his unconditional love to be there waiting for you.
I hope he was the wise kind. The dad who knew all the right things to say, exactly when you needed to hear them. The kind who could turn the most unfortunate of circumstances into life lessons for you to grow up living by and then teach to your children. The kind who knew that he was setting the bar for all your future expectations for a husband and father of your own children and he took on the weight of that role with the sincerity and respect it deserved.
I pray your dad was (and still is) all of these things and so much more. I pray all this for you, because I remember imagining what a dad like this would’ve been like if I had one as well—and in my mind, it always seemed to be so wonderful.
I had a total of four men in my life, that when all pieced together, may have somewhat resembled a father-figure. The first of these men was my biological father, Ray. I believe his intentions of being a good father have always been there, but what he lacked was the execution. Due to his ongoing battle with addiction, he was always unstable in every sense of the word—his housing, his relationships with women, his visitation with me. As a small child, I held onto a hope that he would one day prioritize me over his addiction, but that hope faded as I grew into a young adult. Today, I harbor no ill will or feelings towards him, but also have no expectations of him. I left the door of opportunity open to him in case he ever decides to walk through it.
The second of these men was my mother’s first husband, Doug. He was the first person whom I ever called “Dad” because he was the only dad I knew from the time I was a year and a half old. He was good to me for the most part and still is, but when he and my mother divorced when I was about twelve, we began to grow apart. Our relationship changed from him being my dad to him being more of a big brother or close uncle. He no longer enforced the same rules that my mother did nor did he have the same expectations for me as he once had. It was as if I was no longer his responsibility so he no longer invested in me the way he once did.
The third of these men was my mother’s second husband, Eric. To no fault of his own, he showed up a little late to the game so we never really grew to be super close. I was a teen and beyond the point of wanting to build deep, meaningful bonds with a father. He was a good man and by no means treated me badly. We have a good relationship even now, but he was very hands-off in regards to his approach to parenting me. He didn’t actively parent, moreso defaulted all the parenting responsibilities to my mother. He was always there though, just sort of in the background.
The last of these men was my mom’s father, my Pap, Walt. Walt was the most consistent man in my life. He was there for me from day one. He taught me fishing and hunting. He and my grandmother introduced me to Jesus. He offered me a glimpse of what a man of God looked like. He gave me a standard to measure other men in my life against. And while I spent as much time with him as I could, starving for his approval, desiring nothing more than to make him proud of me, he could not be my dad. He could not be there day in and day out to actively do the job of a father because he was already a grandfather.
It wasn’t until I began attending my local church on a routine basis that I realized I had cheated myself out of having the father I’d always imagined that I wanted. By seeking man and not seeking God, by not reading His word, I kept myself from knowing and having a relationship with the Father that’s been there all along.
One who is the engaging kind. One who always had time for me and all my problems. One who has made me a priority to Him. One that was so much more, so much greater than what could possibly be contained by my imagination.
One who is the dependable kind. One who has been through everything with me and never left. One who I can turn to with the most shameful of thoughts and behaviors and know that I am forgiven and loved unconditionally anyway.
One who is the wise kind. Who has literally written a book full of words of wisdom to live my life by. One who can not only figuratively turn my circumstances around, but can quite literally work everything out in my life for my good and His glory.
Yes, I had a Father all along. And so do you. Where our earthly fathers fall short, God does not and where our earthly fathers succeed, God has first led them there.
As parents of four wonderful children, my husband and I recently came to the startling realization that for the longest time neither one of us knew what a dad should be. We did, however, have great examples of what a father shouldn’t be. Skyler, my husband, was raised in a home without an appropriate father-figure as well. So as our children got older we were constantly back and forth with each other about his role in raising our children, but both felt like we didn’t have the right answer. Until we began seeking God’s guidance in our parenting and as it says in Luke 11:9 “So I say to you, ask and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you.”
So when you’re feeling alone or like you need guidance, I urge you to seek God. He is always there, always listening, and you are always perfectly loved by Him.